Not What You See
Submitted by ana on Sat, 10/20/2007 - 7:25am.
I saw a man with a wooden arm today,
not unlike the carved Pinocchio that I have
sitting on my dresser, (short nose missing).
At least I -thought- it was a wooden arm.
Turned out to be an umbrella handle,
tucked under his actual arm.
It was pouring rain, though
so I'm not sure why he wasn't using it.
Speculation:
Maybe his wife made him take it
and he's a "MAN"
and didn't like the flower pattern-
or maybe he wanted to feel the rain on his face;
blink his eyes at the water, as it fell from his hair
But then the light changed
he moved toward the bus
and it kept on raining.
Bingo
I think your 'speculation' is right on the mark. nice little slice of life here ana.
and didn't like the flower
and didn't like the flower pattern-
or maybe he wanted to feel the rain on his face;
blink his eyes at the water, as it fell from his hair
But then the light changed
he moved toward the bus
and it kept on raining.
good stuff.
Some good lines
That's funny...those were EXACTLY the lines I wanted to comment on. It felt like the poem really hit its stride at this moment. Before then, it kinda meandered.
I would strongly urge to remove the word "SPECULATION."
I feel that it stands out from the rest of the piece, and it gives us a neon sign that says, "here's where I get to tell you what *I* think this means."
The voice of the poem can tell us these things without TELLING us, by SHOWING us.
Just my 2 1/2 cents. Thanks for sharing; I enjoyed it quite a bit.
--- Mike
i think mike is right about
i think mike is right about the word "speculation." also i don't think you need to all-caps the word "man" or even put it in punctuation--you could just leave it normal, and that way the reader will automatically glance back at it after reading its subsequent lines (if that makes any sense at all).
anyway--the "IMPORTANT" thing is that this poem is great, really got me to stop and think a little, and a poem that allows me that much makes me happpppppy. so good job as always.