I suck at goodbyes

there is no turning back
you are gone
and our time together
has ended
and in bad form

I heard you crying
and I fucking tried
to wipe your tears
and cure what ailed you
with sympathy, support
and obviously, not enough understanding

now all that is left of you
is a few candid shots
you took for me
beautifully, you surrendered
to my desire
to hold on to you across the miles

memories and these pictures
will always remind me of
all the things I didn't do
to help you love you
as much as I did
and always will

I look at them and see the sadness
and the sweet innocence
behind your eyes
that sat perfectly
on your beautiful face
that I will never see again

your pretty eyes must have been crying
the night I was so busy at work
that I didn't spend enough time
listening to you saying goodbye
I didn't know, Jerry
you had been sad for so long

and I believed your promise
that night that you would hold on
because I love you
and thought that someday
you would love you too
enough to let go of all the things

that weighed so heavily
on the tender part of your heart
and blinded your clarity to recognize
all your bright possibilities
and I am sorry I didn't know
that you were done trying

that night I should have been there
holding you with love
that I felt and could have better shown
I should have saved you from your self destruction
until your vision was returned
and you could see hope clearly

I should have and probably could have
but I didn't
and I am so sorry
I wasn't listening closely
to the pitch of your pain
so high it was inaudible

you were too beautiful
to have died by yourself in a dark room
where we once sat together
you must have felt so afraid and so alone
the last time you drew breaths
of the unstable air you made

so that you could finally rest
and I miss you now
and I blame you
and I blame me
and I blame a world that was too harsh
for your brilliant fragile mind

please forgive us all
and find your peace
as you rest sweetly at last
with angels surrounding you
your memory
is branded in my soul