is this one you're still working on, or would like an outside perspective on? If so, the only place where I hang-up in this poem is between lines 3 and 4. I suppose you considered "hand-inscribed / inside a book of tanka / sent to me from Japan". For some reason, having "inside" hang at the end of the phrase in line 3 seems to read slightly awkward to me. Maybe "within" would be an option, in place of "inside"? Just my opinion though. I guess I'd look for a slight variation in how to state the last three lines. I don't know. I keep striking out when I try to write tanka of my own, so maybe its just more fun to pick on yours!
thanks for the comment, no_e. nope, it's a done deal (is in a pub.). I don't mind feedback/suggestions, though, even so - thanks. I don't happen to understand your suggestions, however.
"inside (or within??) a book of tanka" on one line wouldn't work, because then it sounds like the stamps are "hand-inscribed" in the book or package (so you need a break, whether a line break or comma or both, after "inside" or "within").
this one worked a bit better for some other folks elsewhere than it did for you -- but that's okay. maybe the poem is awkwardly written; it can be hard to write in just 20-25 syllables (ha!). but I do appreciate the comments and your impression, and I consider all feedback...keep it coming!
oops - I misread what you meant by stamps, as in thinking they were some sort of "stamped" art (like woodcuts) inside the book rather than being postal. my bad.
nice tanka
is this one you're still working on, or would like an outside perspective on? If so, the only place where I hang-up in this poem is between lines 3 and 4. I suppose you considered "hand-inscribed / inside a book of tanka / sent to me from Japan". For some reason, having "inside" hang at the end of the phrase in line 3 seems to read slightly awkward to me. Maybe "within" would be an option, in place of "inside"? Just my opinion though. I guess I'd look for a slight variation in how to state the last three lines. I don't know. I keep striking out when I try to write tanka of my own, so maybe its just more fun to pick on yours!
thanks for the comment,
thanks for the comment, no_e. nope, it's a done deal (is in a pub.). I don't mind feedback/suggestions, though, even so - thanks. I don't happen to understand your suggestions, however.
"inside (or within??) a book of tanka" on one line wouldn't work, because then it sounds like the stamps are "hand-inscribed" in the book or package (so you need a break, whether a line break or comma or both, after "inside" or "within").
this one worked a bit better for some other folks elsewhere than it did for you -- but that's okay. maybe the poem is awkwardly written; it can be hard to write in just 20-25 syllables (ha!). but I do appreciate the comments and your impression, and I consider all feedback...keep it coming!
oops - I misread what you
oops - I misread what you meant by stamps, as in thinking they were some sort of "stamped" art (like woodcuts) inside the book rather than being postal. my bad.