The Moon is my Home

on planet earth
place of my birth

thinking of home
up among the stars

falling down stairs
seeing blank stares

a couple voices
who care enough

down here on earth
no way back to the
moon yet i have to
look into myself -
a terrifying thought
when you're on your
own and the words
and emotions own
you and cause you
to be like me so un-
aware living in my
own dream world.

the problem of
course comes
when reality
crashes in
and the
TRUTH
comes
out so
ugly as
in my
thoughts
i'm caught
up and over
and falling
under the
black hole
the gravity
traps me
as i slide
to the edge
and peer
inside ...

not liking
what i find

too busy doing
for everyone else
and everything else

my mind hardens
my heart grows cold
my words start to falter
and fail - this is not a way
to live life ...

"make yourself
a priority..." so
many have said
and yet ...

struggling with this -
this deja vu all over again -

remembering Karin's funeral -
leaving alone - one pull of a
string and all the memories
come rushing back - the
start of my life of seclusion...

full of delusions
excuses for people
just wanting to belong
when i know damn well
i'm more suited for the moon
and that sounds pitiful

THE OLD ME IS GONE
BUT THE NEW ME IS
NOT IN PLACE YET

mistaken identiy or
perhaps stolen -
somewhere in
midst of a change
and i fear the hardening
of the mind and the heart
growing colder because that's
not who i am - not how i am -

living in a city with no love -
cleveland town - my birth -
the moon - the views - the
words - being misunderstood
since birth and on that day the
world sighed - not another one
of these - as if it said - losing
myself trying to prop myself up ...

so selfish and giving at the same time?

what do i expect?

when i forget the moon is my home
my thoughts and feelings roam - thinking
someone could understand or put up with a
crazy space creature such as myself - selfish
words and feelings out of control - in a daze -
not thinking about what i'm doing, what i'm
saying ... hidden phrases caught

we'll be going to that ...

we'll be seeing you more...

i'll be up next week ...

the weight of the world
crushes down on me and
i imagine it must be what it's
like at the center of a black hole
with the gravity pulling and pushing ...

although not as worse ...

and it's not that bad ...

not a lame duck
not feeling sorry

real feelings, though,
and unable to show or
talk - step back step back!

the image now forever
burned and etched in
my mind - tears and
consoling and the
sun peeked thru

i can't stop replaying
the thoughts, the scene
and i know it's not good and
that no one really cares - everyone
out for themselves ... and yet ...

i walked to the store in my new town
and saw the moon almost full hovering
up there - my home for so long - my home
even now ...

today was a blur
and even now i'm
not sure of words
to say and i'm a
poet or supposed
to be so where
does that leave
me?

empty lines
to fill the time?

sad so much it
turns to anger
w/out a thought
and that's scary
til the next set of
sadness crashes
like a wave on the beach
the sand grains my thoughts
scattered about for all to see
and examine - pretty words -
pretty flowers -
wanting too much
getting nothing

time is slipping
forward quickly
as WORK looms -
making the money...

making the money
money in the making
so many would kill to
be in my shoes and i
still yearn for what i do
not have - leaving quotes
that say otherwise, but the
truth is hard to face. on
days like this you have to
have the truth or you
drown ...

so sensitive - too much so
for the earth gravity and
the people all wanting
something - going after
what they want ... some of us
trying to give others what they
want and neglecting ourselves...

this is not the me from before
i'm older, stronger, wiser, and
making the same mistakes
over and over and over again
and yet it will begin again -
crawling from the edge of
the black hole to get back
to the real world to be all
that i can be ... which is
quite a lot ... even if that's
not considered "hot" in today's
world ...

up and down - the best
and the worst all at once
and this not even poetry
although calming and
perhaps helpful it's not
really poetry in the way
that normal people
think of poetry and
yet i cling to it because
when the phone is silent
from the one or two real
friends i have the words
are all that is left ...
all that is right ...

and i feel myself fighting it
this time - these feelings of
abandonment - but the self-
pity is there, visible, and ugly
and yet i wonder if i can pull
out of the grasp of gravity one
more time and do it all again ...

my MISSION in life to help
and make happy as many
people as i can and the
journey is difficult, but
it's not the destination
that matters and i'm
mixing up thoughts
and trying not to
get caught as
the past invades
this new shell i've
created

feeling like the "slow" kid that people
are nice to but really don't like having around
because i make them feel uncomfortable ...

or maybe i need to stop giving them
my time and concentrate on people
who understand and get me - people
who are nice to me too ... not begrudgingly
or because they feel guilty...

does your heart grow cold after
being broke so many times? is
this natural for me to feel these
things right now?

i did it on my own - where i am
and what i'm doing ...

not all about money at all ...

the calls stop ...

now i know why ...

now i have to try
even harder to climb

the world feels empty
but i know it's not
i feel betrayed
and maybe i was
but i tell you what
i am through with
letting others dictate
how i feel ... and that
sounds dumb perhaps
to anyone normal reading
these scattered lines dropping
from space like shooting stars,
but i've had a problem with
putting others before myself -
which i never thought of as a problem -
i thought that's what love was - what being
a human is all about - giving others what you
want to get - an unconditional love that's real and
true ... and now you ... and now you ...

and now me
accepting my
reality of being
alone. i can still
help others and
even love them
from afar and
help them
how i can
but to
get
through
the pain
the tears
the tears in
the fabric of
the reality i've
constructed ...
to get through
all of this i need
something new ...