my work

my work perhaps
the most important

as my emotions calm
into a dull, aching pain,
the way i work with words
is a spark in my soul - not
drowning in work to escape
my life or my love(s), but work
for the sake of other people -
again with that selflessness

i met with an editor of the
Plain Dealer today and my
mind was elsewhere and i
was on auto-pilot, but i had
the forethought to send an
email early this morning
before this crazy day took
place in a blaze - the way
which i don't know what
to do in social situations
and yet i run a social
network of my own.

i feel a strength in me
and it's perhaps what
the vampires from my
past have seen in me
my ability to generate
power on my own
rather than vulture
it off of others or
siphon it off little
by little with no
thought for the
other person.

way back memories
to the first mental abuse
from a woman and while it
may be exaggerated or not it
was something that shaped me
into what i am today. realizing the
damage - that others want to devour
my energy - that should keep me free
from danger but again and  again i
walked into the same trap, some
trip over and over again and i
sometimes wonder when
i will win and then realize
i already have and it truly
is the journey / trip and
not the destination.

my island sanctuary awaits -
or perhaps an actual pod on
the moon or mars by that point
but the point is this ... my work
carries me. my words and my
life and my love are all part
of my work and what i should
work toward as i struggle,
scramble and claw to the
top scribbling down notes

maybe it was good i came off
as aloof or not a threat today -
although the email was full of
money making ideas (and some
ideals of mine) we shall see one
meeting does not an empire make.
that they were willing to sit down and
talk was good. and the community i've
come home to is still open and accepting
(for the most part!) think i may have offended
or made angry some already at this point, but
with more people that is bound to happen. i have
to worry about even more haters in a city the size of
cleveland - i'm preparing myself, though. as my grandma
says, you can't please all the people all the time. for a sensitive
soul such as myself this will be difficult perhaps, but i'm toughening
up - not too much hopefully. and i think of my grandmother now and
coming here to work ... that was and is the reason ... to work. i may
have lied to myself creating other reasons, but Cleveland Free
Press is my baby, my child, my living, breathing entity ... and i
need to make sure i take care of her ... and myself ... and my
work, my work, where would i be without my work?