breakdance...

or maybe that is too far back.
coalesce on a single moment -
that smile, the notes, the
look.

so naive and unlike i am
now, the anger building
as i try to win love
when love is not
really wanted.

i am me and that's
all i can be but
you see me as
another me,
some say
crazy.

i am
remembering;

straws and stupid jokes.

everyone wanted it to happen.

keeping your letters til they
fell apart and were conveniently
lost.

last
night i wondered as i tried to sleep
if today would be any different.

i didn't remember last night.

tonight i do remember, tho.

in love with a punk rock girl before i know what
a punk rock girl really truly was. a tame one,
but maybe you were just with the wrong crowd.

would you recognize me now? would i recognize you?
remember alaska? dreams and we had the future
ahead of us - still at the friends stage
due to my timidity.

i remember thinking about that tan camaro that hit you.
wanting to find it. wanting to take a baseball bat to
the driver that killed you coming to work that night.
i remember the tears - my mom saying your mom had
called and i didn't want to talk. i took off in
my car and parked in a strip mall parking lot
and the tears welled up. i didn't want it
to be happening. i wanted to be gone too.

so many nights now i've forgotten, moved on,
and now,
tonight,
you come
rushing back
to hold up a
mirror and ask
what's become of
me, filled with anger
and hate, feeding off the
atmosphere in here.

it's cold. i'm warm.
tears still stream
down my face and
i wonder what
might have
been if
...

but no.
you had to go.
i had to stay.
just wanted to
say i still kare.

why must i think of
you tonight when after
so many nights you weren't
even an afterthought? why
revisit the pain now?

i remember driving to your grave
in cleveland from indiana then
straight back, drinking a fifth
of jack daniels on my return,
passing out
in the bathroom, still hurting,
still remembering, still seeing
your smiling face, your bruised
face and body in the hospital.

long white corridors and that
awful hospital smell. i still
can't step into one w/out being
instantly transported back to
those weeks i spent by your
side, knowing and praying
you would awaken, you
would see me and dump
the guy everyone wanted
you to dump because we
were such a cute couple
even though we weren't
a couple i think we
could both feel it
was changing.

too slow.

maybe it was just me.

i doubt it all now.
i hear the sound of your laughter.
i see the sight of you when i
close my eyes and i wonder
if the love that would've
been would've been any-
thing like the love i
think i feel now.

whispers of shadows.

no, not in love with a ghost. you don't have to
compete with that. you're alive. she's dead.
i know that. i really, truly do. it's just
that sometimes sleeping alone, thinking
alone, being alone i wonder what
would have been if that bastard
hadn't hit her and ran away.

i find it hard to forgive him or her (i
imagine it as a him) i can visualize
the impact, stepping off the curb
at the redlight in front of the
police station with the snow
coming down, just wanting
to get to work early so
we could talk and joke
some about Pat.

is it my fault, then?

here we go again.

memories are good to go back over,
but it's dangerous for a poet to do so.
especially on a night like tonight with
another life altering moment in the
air so to speak. not death this
time but lack of love.

idealized fantasies with someone i never even kissed.
i wish i could see you now, if only for a few seconds.

i feel as alone now as on the morning you died.

i don't want to feel this way.

i want to remember how to forget again.

i want a chance to say goodbye and see you
one
last
time.