paper put to bed

the files are
sent. the mix-
up was corrected
for a small fee. but
there's no sense of it
being over, of having
really accomplished
anything because the
cycle starts again, with
even more pressure this
time through. time to buck
up and trudge through to the
end. or at least december. then
who knows. can't let the past or
the future contain or distract me -

need to focus and dig in deep for
one last push at whatever this is
that i'm trying to do. and i know the
goal, the dream, but the day to day
blinds me from that sometimes. or
rather you have to think of both and
that's difficult - moving back and forth
between the big picture and the small
details.

and money.

maybe i tried to bite off too much - should've
started with something smaller... no second
guessing now, though. the third issue was by
far the best so far, imho. both revenue wise and
content/design wise.

just that one thought is tied to at least a hundred
other thoughts, though. and i'm not k-paul the
feeling robot. i have other thoughts in this
creative mind of mine. and i try not to
get distracted by them, but it's easy
to drown sometimes.

but i carry on.

music in the background
alters my mood.

mood matters.

can we control our moods?

some say yes. i'm not sure, i guess,
getting swept away by emotional
currents all the time.

need to take one day down to rest, i think,
but don't know if i can. i mean, i can, but
don't know if i should - still so much to
do. working helps with keeping my
mind focused, not drifting, which
is good. if i can hold up. i can
hold up. three years in the
trenches and i can't
give up now, just
when i'm gaining
a little ground. can
i keep the ground i've
managed to gain, though?

heh. these doubts like darts
bouncing off my helmet and
chestplate. they leave little
bruises, though, reminders
that they had hit me.

i've made it over the Alps,
but all of my elephants are
dead or dying. heh. yeah,
kinda like that.

the poet-
businessman-
journalism-man.

can.

at least try
a little longer.
just a little bit
longer.