remind me not to accept any dinner invitations! Being you're in the land of ku, try cutting your syllables down to something more like 4-6-4. Or less, if you can. The Japanese 'syllable' is far shorter than an English one, so English-speaking haiku writers frequently try to shoot for improved brevity within the contricts of their very un-japanese language.
I love haikus!
Especially of the nontraditional kind. Here's one of mine:
HOUSEKEPING HAIKU
Many more dead ants
Cover my table, they rain
Down, a summer storm.
David Allen
Okinawa, Japan
remind me not to accept any
remind me not to accept any dinner invitations! Being you're in the land of ku, try cutting your syllables down to something more like 4-6-4. Or less, if you can. The Japanese 'syllable' is far shorter than an English one, so English-speaking haiku writers frequently try to shoot for improved brevity within the contricts of their very un-japanese language.
dead rats
all over my table --
summer storm
The surreal aspects of your haiku are nice.
big chuckle here - thanks!
big chuckle here - thanks!