Homeless
Submitted by papazendada on Fri, 11/28/2008 - 8:42pm.
The hours creak like sun bleached bone
as the days become deserts between us,
and the clock, tick-tocks, like a dripping faucet,
washing dead minutes down the drain.
My life,
once a haze of reckless blight,
has now become a mundane chain
of daily routine and long drawn sighs.....
I work, I eat, I sleep, I shower.
I trace infinity with my finger on the bathroom mirror
and paint your portrait on the canvas of my dirty mind.
and the clock, tick-tocks,
and the clock, tick-tocks, like a dripping faucet,
at first i wasn't sure abotu the commas in the middle, but they work.
it's good to have you back. very well crafted.
really like the title too.
really like the title too.
i want to marry this poem.
i want to marry this poem. heh.
anyway, on rereading a few times, did you think (i'm sure you did) about the sequence here?
I work, I eat, I sleep, I shower.
i think it works better...
I work, I eat, I shower, I sleep.
of course, that may be out of time sequence (Which is more important), but but the bah-eat bah-sleep works better to my ear?
this is sad w/out going too far. ok. maybe more later as it drips into my mind.
i swing both ways
sometimes I sleep and then I shower
sometimes I shower then sleep then shower
you are right about the syntax
but I think I left the showering at the end
because then I trace infinity on the steamy
bathroom mirror
ah. that didn't even cross
ah. that didn't even cross my mind, it being in the next stanza. maybe overthinking on your part? heh. no offense.
hmmm
The last line is my favorite. What a perfect ending.
life is full of possibilities and the thrill of the unknown is so great.
this is really good. i esp.
this is really good. i esp. like the last 2 lines.
janet
astonishing
those first two couplets are as conveying as any i've read anywhere. and then the stanza "my life" how it creates the long drawn sigh...ingenious.